Today I was unprepared. I'm so used to preparing and planning
everything out. I had nothing to guide me or any direction. Even though I have
been out for over a year, it’s still very hard for me transitioning out of
the military into civilian life. I’ve been trained and disciplined to have
every aspect of my life aligned and arranged in an orderly fashion. I’ve gotten
used to timelines and schedules, having everything organized within an arms’
reach and a well thought out plan for the near and far future. Showing up to
class today, I did not expect to create something that could be immediately available
for viewing. Composing a physical moving picture was frustrating. I couldn’t
preview it. I couldn’t take out what I didn’t intend to produce and cover it up
with fancy transitions or cuts.
I COULD NOT COMMAND+Z.
Having taken FST 201 last semester, I was so used to pre-production
stuff like planning, script rewriting, organizing, forms to fill out, dates to
shoot, shot lists, equipment requests, etc. The easiest part was shooting the
video itself.
As I sit here typing this out, I am reminded by my own reflection
on Brakhage, that art is the thought, the spark that leads to something that I
may not realize until I have painted, bleached, drew, and scraped until there
was nothing left that was unblemished. Art is not order. Art also isn’t disorder.
It is a very blatant blend of arrangement and chaos. I have to accept spontaneity
and let mistakes happen.
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